The End

The end is when I say "Enough"
The end is when I go
The end is when you fucked up
And it hurts because you KNOW

Just Once

            “Autumn? Autumn, are you up yet?” Jason called from just outside the door.

            “Yeah...” Autumn called drowsily from her bed. The covers were soft and warm while the air was cold, making getting out of bed seem more and more like a bad idea. Knowing she’d have to do it eventually anyway, she sighed and threw the multi-colored covers off all at once and hopped out of bed. She walked across her small square room into her bathroom, making sure to step on the floor mats instead of the cold black and white checkered bathroom tile. She wandered over to her mirror yawning, inspecting herself. Her long blonde hair was a mess, but otherwise not too bad. She started to brush it as she turned on the radio and started jamming to Britney’s latest single. She threw her hair up in a messy bun, brushed her teeth, quickly applied some light make-up, and wandered back into her room over to her closet. She quickly shimmied out of her underwear and put on a new pair, grabbed a matching bra, then stood there looking at herself in her closet mirror.

            What do you wear when you meet your real Dad for the first time? she thought to herself. She grabbed a pair of jeans and put them on slowly, observing her closet. I should just be casual, Mom told me not to expect anything… she thought as she grabbed a black tank top and pulled it down over her head. She grabbed a pink and black flannel shit and buttoned it most of the way up, leaving the top 4 undone. She grabbed some socks, grabbed her purse, and went downstairs.

            “Good morning babe,” her mother Natalie said as she came down the stairs into the kitchen, “how’re you feeling?”

            “Tired.” She responded. That’s not technically a lie. I am tired too.

            “Autumn, you knew what I meant.” Natalie said, her mouth frowning in the corners as she anxiously awaited a real answer.

            “I guess I’m nervous. Excited but not. I don’t know how to describe it.” She said, ending in a mumble and grabbing a bagel off the counter. She walked over to the toaster, popped in the bagels, and went to the fridge to grab some jam. Natalie continued to stare her down, sipping coffee and observing every little movement as Jason walked in, fixing his tie.

            “Autumn, why are you even entertaining this?” he asked annoyed. Jason had taken over all of Autumn’s fatherly duties. When her real father Ben joined the military, the courts gave Natalie full custody. Natalie had gotten pregnant during her junior year of high school and Ben tried to force her to have an abortion, so Jason was definitely against this meeting and agitated Ben would be coming into his house to meet the child he’d never wanted.

            “Jason, you are all the father I will ever need,” she said, hurt by his idea that anything could change between them, “I’m not going to change my mind about you adopting me or taking your last name. As far as I’m concerned, you’re my dad and he’s a sperm bank and that’s it. But I want to… see him. Please try to understand why I want this.”

            “You may not legally be a Townsend but you’ve never been anything but. And I get it,” he said, walking over to her and kissing her forehead, “but I don’t like it and I’m going to be here the whole time.”

            “That’s fair.” She said, standing on her tippy-toes to kiss his cheek back and then returned to her bagel.

            “Be here for what?” her little brother Clay asked, wandering into the room and wandering straight to Jason, who picked him up immediately. Her other little brother, Conner, was camping with relatives.

            “Don’t you worry about it,” Natalie said, walking over to smooch him on the cheek and ruffle his hair, “You and I are going to have a whole day together, just the two of us.” No way Mom will be here for that Autumn thought to herself, watching her mother tickle Clay while Jason hung him upside down. She’d sooner shop at Wal-Mart then choose to deal with him again.

            “Alright little man, time to get in the car and go see Grandma Emily!” Natalie said, grabbing her purse and eyeing the clock nervously. There was no way she’d risk running into him. I’m glad she agreed to help set up a meeting for us and I’m surprised Jason is planning to only play guard. Jason had hated Ben ever since Natalie told him her story over coffee after a month or two of dating and it wasn’t going to stop now, even if Autumn somehow found affection for the man who contributed to her existence. Clay and Natalie bustled out the back door and then it was just Jason and Autumn, a rare occasion in the Townsend household.

            “What time is it?” Autumn asked after a few minutes of silence, her bagel eaten and dishes put in the dishwasher.

            “Almost 10:30, so he should be here any time I suppose,” he said looking at his watch and then leaning on the fridge. He was tense and huffy, not exactly the setting she wanted for this.            

            “Jason, what if he doesn’t show up?” Autumn said nervously, remembering all the horrible things her mother had said about him. She couldn’t help but think he would never even give her a chance to know him.

            “From what I hear, that sounds like it could very well happen. Just remember he may share some chromosomes but you’ve never needed him before and it isn’t going to change now.”

            “I’d just be mad he was willing to make the plans with me if he never planned to show up…” Oh my God, what if he doesn’t come? What if he changed his mind and I never hear from him again or get the chance to talk to him or see him? She panicked a little, and decided to start cleaning to distract herself. She grabbed a sponge and started wiping down the counters while Jason watched her, saying nothing but watching closely.

            “Autumn, what are you expecting to happen today? Or in light of today? Or maybe I should ask what you want to have happen?” he said, standing up straight and turning his head to the side a little as he spoke. His tie was a light blue that matched his eyes, which were locking her gaze with his. His hair was neatly done and the sunshine from the skylight was glinting off the little silver hoop in his left ear.

            “I don’t know. I’m not looking for a second dad. I just want to meet him. See him. Find out something about him other than what Mom has said through the years. He wanted her to get rid of me so believe me, I’m not expecting much. But I want some memory of him that isn’t just words I heard from someone else. I want to know what he looks like, see what was from Mom and what was from him. I want to know if we have anything in common. I want to know about the family I have through him that I know basically nothing about. I want-“

            Jason stiffened as a knock came from the back door, his eyes shifting to look at it for just a second before looking back at Autumn. Her mind ran completely blank. She couldn’t think of anything other than how nervous she was and she stared past Jason’s head blankly at the background. This doesn’t feel real.

            “Hello?” she awkwardly asked, her hand immediately touching her throat as if that would take back the greeting and say it normally. Jason walked over to the door and opened it. Ben walked in and as he came around the door, she saw her father for the first time.

            “Hey” he said, staring at her just as intensely as she stared at him. He was blonde, as she had guessed since she too was blonde. He had big brown eyes and a slightly odd nose, neither like hers. He had military pants and boots with a tan t-shirt and a camo cap. He also had a big camo backpack in his left hand. He was only about 5’8, short in comparison to Jason’s 5’11. He was short but muscled and toned with rough, tan looking skin. Jason’s hate-filled gaze became tangible as he observed their immediate fascination with each other and he shut the door loudly.

            “Nice to meet you.” He said, walking past Ben slowly and sitting at the kitchen table. He was going to monitor the meeting, as agreed between he and Natalie when Autumn had insisted on meeting him.

            “You too.” Ben said, although it was clear it was about as keen to be around Jason as Jason was towards him. He only looked for a moment before returning to look at Autumn, who suddenly wished she’d done a little more work on herself. She’d been freaking out all night long and had barely slept. I should have woken up early. I should have showered. I should have picked out a better outfit. Did I put on deodorant?

            “So you’re Autumn?” he asked, knowing the answer already.

            “Yes. You’re Ben?” she said, making sure to not call him “dad”. Jason wouldn’t like that. Not one bit.

            “Well, it’s good to meet you. I’m sure you have lots of questions.” He said, putting his bag by the door and sitting at the breakfast counter, facing her with Jason behind her at the table. He was getting right down to business. He must want to know about me too. How did Mom think he wouldn’t care? I’m his kid.

            “You know I had millions of them every time I ever thought about you. What does she look like? Does she have my nose? Which, luckily, you do not. But here I am... Now I can’t think of a single one.” She said, still locked in a gaze with him. This is my dad. This is my dad. I have a real biological father and he’s sitting in my kitchen and he’s looking at me and he’s really here.

            “Well, that aside, I was glad you wanted to meet. I wanted to square things out.” He said, cracking his fingers and coughing awkwardly. His gaze changed entirely and Autumn suddenly felt highly uncomfortable. What does he mean?

            “Square things out?” she asked, not understanding, her forehead crinkling.

            “I didn’t like how things went. It should have been different. This is late but better late than never.” He said, handing her a folded yellow envelope from his back pocket. Autumn felt herself turn red, especially in her ears. Should have worn my hair down damn it. She took the envelope out of his hand, her fingers grazing his as she took it. His skin IS rough. There was nothing on the envelope other than creases. She turned it in her hand and opened it slowly. She turned it and let it’s contents fall onto the counter. A check fell on the table. She picked it up and looked at it. A check written out by her father, Benjamin Andrews, to Autumn Andrews. Her eyes did a double take as she looked at the amount on the check.

            “What is this?” she asked, still confused.

            “That’s what I would like to know,” Jason said, walking over to her and taking it out of her hand, “because that’s quite a bit of money.”

            “It’s money I should have paid along the way and I didn’t. I’m no one’s father and I don’t pretend to be. Now we’re square.” Ben became very still, now not daring to look Autumn in the eyes. That’s why he came. Mom knew better.

            “I want you to leave.” She said, her voice cracking as she started to turn red all over. She could feel her eyes start to water and her whole body began to shake. She stared at the floor, going numb in her appendages. Jason looked at her for about ten seconds before turning slowly to Ben, a darkness spreading across his face she had never witnessed before.

            “We don’t want or need your money. Get out of my house. Now.” And with that, he grabbed Ben’s backpack, opened the door, and dropped it outside on the ground. Ben got up, still staring at Autumn. How can this be it?

            “I just wanted to be even. I don’t owe you anything anymore.” He said, turning to leave.

            “I’m keeping the money,” She said, walking over to Jason and taking the check, tears finally breaking from her eyes and streaming down her face, “now please get out.” He walked past her without a word out the door and Jason slammed the door behind him. He stood there, shaking with anger as Autumn stood there, crying silently.

            “Why did you take the money? We don’t need it sweetie.” He said, calming himself and trying to rub her shoulder. She sat there thinking for a moment, collecting herself before turning to him with a look of acceptance.

            “I want to donate it to help kids without parents.”

Done

            “Francis, you lying piece of crap, come back here right now!” Betty screamed, throwing a vase at the back of his head. She could handle the faint smell of perfume that wasn’t hers on his jacket. She could deal with the weekend trips that he went on “for work” although no one else at his office had heard of them. But she could not take finding a computer file with over 2,000 pictures of him with a younger, brunette girl who couldn’t be older than 25.

            “Betty, you’ve seriously lost it. I’m done. I’m done.” He said, packing his things as quickly as he could. His ears were bright red, sticking out from his ears like devil horns. His shirt was starting to soak with sweat, something he always did when stressed or nervous.

            “Oh no, you are going to answer me.” She said, picking up his suitcase and throwing it against the wall. He stood there, watching her cry and heave for a moment, waiting for her to collect herself.

            “What do you want to know?” he asked blankly.

            She breathed before asking in a cry of a whisper, “Who is she?”

            He walked over to the windows, his back to her, shaking. He turned with tears in his eyes and blinked them back for a minute.

            “Her name,” he started, “is Nina. She’s 24. She graduated from Harvard Law and works at the office. She loves me and I love her. That’s basically all I think you really need to know. I’m moving out and can have our divorce papers done at work. I’m sorry Betty. I thought you were my end all be all. But Nina is everything I never had. She brings life to me. I’m sorry.”

            “Hope she can bring you back from this.” Betty screamed as she lunged at him, pushing him out the window. The glass broke and he lay in the front yard, groaning. She spat out the window at him and turned and sighed.

            “That’s better.” She said, turning to go to bed.

Couldn't Wait

            “All right, 25 suicides now!” yelled Coach Prue, blowing his whistle and turning to stare at the records on the wall as the boy’s basketball team began training. Always second, never first. Always silver, never gold. Not this year West Creek. This year is Marksville’s turn. It’s my last year of coaching after 20 years of second place. This year, my final year, we WILL have first.

            He continued staring at the records, listening to the sound of the rubber tennis shoes squeaking on the wood floors.

            “How’s it going, Mitch?” came a surprise voice from behind him.

            Amelia Prue was his second wife, about 12 years younger, and pregnant with his first child. And of course, she was there with his lunch, as usual. However, the doctor and demanded she be on bed rest.

            “You’ve come early today!” he said, turning to kiss her cheek and laid his hand on her stomach, lowering to belly button level.

            “Hello baby. Are you going to play for the WNBA? Or be the first female president? Or a famous novelist?” he asked, then turned and put his ear to her stomach, “What’s that? You want to smoke crack and be a hooker and live off fast food and mayonnaise because your mommy won’t stay in bed? Well that just won’t do.”

            “I hate laying in bed all day.” Amelia growled, opening the lunch and forcing his apple into his hand. “I can get up once a day to bring you some damn lunch and go to the bathroom if I want to.”

            “Honey, I get you’re angry but this isn’t for you, it’s for the baby. And we want her bun to bake in your oven for as long as you can hold her in.”

            Just then, Mitch felt a splash on his feet. He looked down to see water all over the floor and felt the warm liquid soak through his shoes, into his sock, making his feet damp. Amelia looked at the mess and then at her husband, a smile on her face.

            “I guess I really couldn’t wait.”

Sam

            “Sam, I didn’t plan to tell you this. Ever. But here it is. I love you. I love your deep blue eyes and orange waves of hair and I want you to have your arms around me. Forever.”

            Should I practice in the mirror again? Paul thought to himself, fixing his collar and messing his hair up for the fifteenth time. No. It’s as good as it’s going to get. I just hope it’s not that cheesy when we talk.

            Paul hurried to the bathroom, turning on the sink and putting his toothbrush under the faucet. He squeezed his toothpaste out onto the brush and began scrubbing. Not the day to have bad breath he thought, scrubbing his tongue after going over the bottom teeth. He finished quickly, sprayed some cologne, and ran out of his studio apartment to his white Honda Accord parked out front.

            “And I’m free, free faaaallllinnngggg” sang Paul, pleasantly surprised with the first song on the radio for the day. He pulled off of Orange Street onto Skyline Avenue. He stopped at the stop sign, taking the time to also pause himself. Do I want to do this? Today? For sure? He thought, stopping to look out his windshield.

            A little girl of maybe four years of age was riding a pink bicycle to the same corner. Her long brown braids went down her back and she had dandelions in the basket of her bike.  I hope we have a daughter like that someday Paul thought to himself, and realized Sam was whom he pictures himself with. It'd always been Sam. He pressed on the gas and turned.

            Paul continued down a few blocks before arriving at Sam’s house. He looked in the rearview mirror for a few seconds. Now he thought to himself, getting out of the car. He walked around it and up to the house, noticing the fresh paint Sam’s mother and stepfather had put on it just days before. He stopped at the door, took a deep breath, and rang the doorbell.

            “Hey buddy” Sam said, stepping out of his house. His red hair stuck up in all directions and his eyes were still adjusting to the sunlight, “what’s up?”

            “Sam, I didn’t plan to tell you this…”

Tough Crowd

            “Gerald, your house smells.” Helga said, wrinkling her nose.

            Gerald, still living with his mother at age 41, was used to these kinds of statements.

            “Yeah, Mother is still smoking.” He said, quickly opening a window and fluffing the pillows on the sofa. He noticed some candles on the mantle and decided to light them. Anything to help his girlfriend and mother’s first meeting.

            “Gerald, do you contribute to the decoration at all in here? I hope floral couches and frill and scotch aren’t your kind of thing.” Helga said, taking in her surroundings in surprise. She was definitely not going to hide her distaste for this situation. She knew she wasn’t a prime catch either but living with a smoker who happens to be his mother?

            “Well, not the frill or flowers anyway.” Gerald said, smiling at Helga. Her blonde pigtails gave her a much younger look; although she had crow’s feet around her eyes and her clothing made her look like a want-to-be-Army-brat. Her camo tank top and tan skirt clashed with her big black leather boots but that was Helga. Unconventionally gorgeous, although odd and whimsical in nature and style.

            “Who’s this?” came a voice from behind them.

            “Mother! Mother, this is the woman I’ve been telling you about. Mother, meet Helga. Helga, my mother, Agnes.” Gerald said, pulling Helga by the hand over to his mother to introduce them.

            “Nice to meet you!” Helga said, holding her hand out and smiling. Agnes stared at the hand for a moment, looked Helga in the eyes just long enough to shatter all dignity, and then turned back to her kitchen without a word.

            “Well,” Gerald said, staring after his mother, as Helga turned, wide-eyed in shock at Agnes’s rudeness, “I think that means she likes you. She didn’t throw anything this time.”

Wings To Fly

            “Grant, stop it. Get down from there!”

            “No mommy, I want to fly!”

            Grant Dage, arms held straight out on both sides, was standing on the room of the Dage family’s three-story house. And attached to his arms, were pillows, which had feathers, like a bird he had thought, and birds can fly all day.

            “Mommy, are you watching?” Grant called, excited. He wanted everyone to watch his greatest triumph but she would do.

            “Grant! Grant Leonard Dage, you get down here RIGHT NOW!” his mother shrieked. She stood dancing nervously, unsure of whether to try and talk him down or run up to grab him.

            “Mommy, what’s wrong?” Julie asked from the back door.

            “Julie! Julie, come watch me! Come watch me with mommy!” Grant called, jumping up and down in his excitement.

            “DON’T MOVE!” his mother screamed at him, pointing and giving him a glare she knew he could see, even if he was three stories up in the air. Grant managed to get his footing but nearly fell and her heart sank in her chest. Why does he do this? Why does he ALWAYS do this? Pour his cereal in the washer, put dog crap in my shoes, rub ketchup all over the banister, squeeze an entire tube of toothpaste all over my bathroom. WHY DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS?

            “Mommy, is Grant okay?” Julie asked, running into he yard to look at her big brother.

            “Julie, are you watching?” Grant called again, waiting for his moment.

            “Julie, get in the house!” she shouted, bolting ahead of her. Just get him down she thought over and over to herself, circling the stairway and running as fast as she could. She could hear his laughter get louder and louder as she ran, circling the second set of stairs, seeing him out the window down the hall. She ran and slid down the hallway, hitting her head on the windowsill and falling over. She lay there for a moment, holding her head in her hand. Then she heard a horrible crash and Julie started screaming.